5 Simple Steps to Communicate Better in your Relationship
Most of the time when you’re feeling intense emotions, you want to talk it out with our man.
We want to make sure he knows every little detail about why we’re upset, what exactly he did wrong and what he should do differently…
And so on and on and on.
You think that if you just re-word it, say it louder or just ONE MORE TIME, that maybe this will be the moment when it clicks with him.
But it never seems to work out as you’d planned.
It made so much sense in your head, but as the word vomit came out everything just seemed to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to him:
And you’re both left feeling exhausted and no closer to any kind of solution to the issue.
So, what do you do to actually get him to listen and understand?
TALK to him LESS…😶
Creating distance and silence trigger stronger feelings in him than repeating the same words over and over or exhausting him with long drawn out battles with you trying to convince him of his wrongdoing.
I can already hear your resistance to this idea…
“But how will he KNOW that I’m upset?”
“Why do I have to be the one to work on things, and not him?”
“Isn’t this just like playing games?”
It’s hard for us to understand because men and women are wired differently. While we LOVE to chat, analyze and discuss things for hours, men are just not this way.
Men respond more to FEELINGS over WORDS, so when you’re able to communicate non-verbally, this actually has a bigger impact on him.
😶If you can make him FEEL something, this speaks MUCH louder than words.
The drama comes when you start endlessly nagging him about certain things you want (or don’t want) him to do.
Men see this as you trying to change them and they’ll start to feel like they can’t make you happy.
Men want to make you happy and if they feel they can’t, they go find someone that they can easily make happy.
Think about how a man falls for you in the first place…
It most likely wasn’t because you TOLD him he should, right?
You probably didn’t spend hours talking about why he should love you.
A man falls for you based on how he FEELS around you…
So next time you feel like giving him a piece of your mind, try this instead.
Get quiet and start to pull back a little.
Have you noticed this is what men always do when they’re upset? A man’s first instinct is to retreat from any kind of drama and he needs space to process what’s going on in his head.
This is one of the most common things women complain about—that their man is pulling away. When you start to mirror what he does, it becomes more obvious to him that there’s something he needs to address. Trust me, this is what he understands best.
When he notices, he will come find you and ask what’s wrong.
If pulling back is not your norm, he will quickly realize that something feels off. It might take some longer than others, but don’t be discouraged. He will ask if something is wrong (If he really cares about you) and then you can move forward with step #3
Ask him if he’s really ready to hear it. When he says yes, this confirms that it’s a good time for him to give you his attention
It’s always a good idea to first ask permission before you word vomit your feelings all over a man. Men don’t like to feel pressured or forced into something, and if we’re being honest, you probably don’t like that either.
When you give him a choice, he feels respected and will be more willing to have an open, honest conversation with you because you also took his time and energy into consideration.
Men are also build with single focus minds, so they’re not able to focus on multiple things at once like women. So, if he’s concentrating on something else or distracted, it’s a lose-lose for both people because you won’t get the acknowledgement you’re desiring and he won’t be able to clearly understand what it is that you need.
Present your case in a clear way, without blaming him
This is where I feel MOST women get stuck…
But what if he did something wrong? And why do I have to be “nice” to him if he hurt me?
First, take a deep breath and ask yourself: Is what you’re doing now actually getting you what you want?
I’m assuming if you’re here, it’s not. So, let’s break this down a bit.
When you start a conversation with something like “Why don’t you help me out around the house more? You’re not a good partner!” he will IMMEDIATELY go on the defense. He’ll feel under attack and like you’re just trying to ruminate in the problem instead of trying to find a solution.
Second, we are all responsible for our own emotions.
Do we have things that trigger us? Hell yes. But some of the things that trigger us may be laughable to others, so we can’t KNOW for sure whether or not something is right or wrong, good or bad. It’s just something that effects us, most likely due to an experience in childhood or a repeated behavior in past relationships.
Our triggers are LEARNED, so when you try to blame your man for your emotions, you’re signaling that you’re unstable. Because any sudden change in his mood or behavior can set you off—hence why some women get labeled as “crazy”
So, when you present your case, take responsibility for your emotions and triggers and realize that he’s most likely NOT trying to hurt you.
Using the example above, you could re-phrase the statement like this:
I feel really overwhelmed that I’m doing a lot of the chores around the house myself and I’d love to have some help.
Then offer a potential solution (or a few different options)
Men are natural problem solvers, so this shows that you aren’t interested in just carrying on the fight, but that you’re truly interested in moving forward.
And he’ll appreciate that you don’t just want to be mad at him, nag him or passive aggressively huff around the house until he asks you what’s wrong!
Think outside of the box for different solutions, so that you’re not disappointed if you don’t get the EXACT outcome you’re looking for.
If he’s too exhausted to help out and if it’s in your budget you could hire a cleaning service to come in once a month.
You could also make it a game, with fun rewards for both of you whenever you complete the chores.
When looking for a solution, my go-to question is “How can we make this more loving?” You’d be surprised at some of the fun stuff that can come up out of a crappy situation.
I go much deeper into this aspect of communicating with men in my Magnetic Love & Attraction Mastery Program, along with so much insight on why you’ve been struggling so much with this part of your relationships and what to do about it.
If you are intrigued to learn more about this communication process, click here to learn more about the program and to see if it’s right for you.